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FRIENDS ONLY [Sunday, Nov. 4/12 - 10:00AM]
[ mood | amused ]

**this journal is about 90% friends only.
If you want me to add you back, please comment here. If you just want to stalk my lj for whatever fun that might bring you go ahead;)

16 mavericks*wink

You don't know a thing about me... [Tuesday, Oct. 2/12 - 11:11AM]
[ mood | blah ]

I spent a few hours last night reading old LJ entries (circa 2006) for inspiration for a play I'm writing. It's about what happens backstage during a play, and what "types" of actors are commonly found.

But oh, those old entries. I am so glad I wrote them, but getting back in that headspace is depressing. And what's worse is that I often feel that way- still. Like I'm just outside of the circle I want to be in. But they're doing everything to keep me out ("they" being those people I'm writing about in my play). It's so frustrating because I see the stuff I want to do. I COULD do it. But I have so many limitations. I am not part of a group. It's just me. I don't have connections, because nobody wants to give me the time of day. Not even to spend an hour to come see my show! And what can I do about that? Nothing. I can't force people to support me.

I just wish I knew WHY. That's what I can't wrap my head around. What is it about me?

I want to write plays so bad. I want to see them performed.

I need to get out this mood.


[Friday, Aug. 24/12 - 12:45PM]
[ mood | busy ]

Spare some views? It's a "trailer" for my play, Maybe Someday, which debuts on September 2nd!

1 mavericks*wink

Time...Where does it go? [Wednesday, May. 30/12 - 13:27PM]
[ mood | blah ]

So obviously I rarely use this thing anymore. I keep my LJs to look back at my past... And maybe I'll use it again someday. Right now I'm using http://s0ngb1rd.tumblr.com/ most often. Even if it's usually pictures instead of words.

I need to hold on to inspiration when I can find it. 


the world well lost [Monday, Oct. 3/11 - 15:56PM]
[ mood | blank ]

Sometimes, all it takes is a story.

I read The World Well Lost, and was impressed by it's subtle beauty and language. It had an effect on me that makes me want to write again. I wrote for a solid month (July) when I did a writing challenge. Sure, I wrote about 55,000 words...But most of them weren't right. I'm editing that story right now, sort of. Late for the Sky is so hard to write because I don't want to admit they're based on truth.

And I'm writing and journaling and whatever all my ideas. Everything that pops into my head is finding a home written down, whenever I can.

I just need to try again. I need to remember how it used to be.

Creativity is something that comes and goes. And it's been a year and a half since I've really had it within my grasp. I have a feeling something is going to change.

2 mavericks*wink

[Saturday, Sep. 17/11 - 22:02PM]
[ mood | sad ]

Sometimes, it almost hits me.

A feeling. a certain kind of feeling. I can only compare it to when I was younger, and my best friend and I would climb to the highest part of a mountain near her home. We'd climb as high as we could and look out, toward the Bedford Basin. I could see a similiar, beautiful view from my bedroom...But outside...There was something powerful about watching the sun lower, and looking out at all those houses and lights and trees. And I remember thinking "Someday I will be great."

I don't feel great. I'm 23. I'm stuck, in a rut. Moving forwards, but so slowly I feel like I'm going backwards.
Everything seems just out of my reach because I made all the wrong choices in life. 

But this feeling...It lightens my heart and makes me feel excited. A picture, with certain lighting. A phrase. A scent. It brings me back to a time when I thought anything was possible. Before I knew of the limitations and the challenges. 

I need a change. I need something new, exciting. I need something to work towards and feel happy about. I need to find some new activities and I need to find a way to meet new people. It was easier, then. 


[Tuesday, Aug. 16/11 - 20:40PM]
[ mood | stressed ]

 Today I cried for the first time i months.

I had a revelation of sorts. I realized that the people I wanted to be friends with never were my friends. I just tried so so so hard to be part of that inner circle. That group of theatre people. "actors." Children. Dreamers. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to do the things they did. Hell, I still wish I could.

But I missed out.

And here I am, stuck in limbo. Too old to have younger friends, too young to have adult friends. 

Where do I fit in?

I don't.

I work a 9-5 job, at a library. Constantly with books, constantly thinking and expanding my mind. Planning my novels and stories and poems. I then come home and hide with my two! kittens and a computer...Watching Glee and wishing it existed when I was in high school. Wishing I had that talent or that someone saw something special in me. But nobody ever really seems to. Everyone around me gets praise but I just disappear somewhere in the middle. 

Someday, somewhere, somehow...I hope I get my chance to shine. I hope that I can be happy and have beautiful, smart friends....But for now, I will listen to Fleetwood Mac and cry and plan my trip to Italy. 1 year.

2 mavericks*wink

nothing else I can say [Sunday, Feb. 21/10 - 15:59PM]
[ mood | weird ]

You Have a Serious Heart

You believe that love is not a mystery. Love is respect, nurturing, and affection. Love is not drama.

You love with your head before you love with your heart. It's not love if it doesn't make sense.

Your heart is not easily tricked or fooled. You only have feelings when it is the real thing.

Your love life is only a part of your whole life. Love has its place, but you don't obsess over it.


Writer's Block: Message in a bottle [Tuesday, Nov. 17/09 - 18:49PM]
[ mood | amused ]

What three items would you place in a time capsule to help future generations understand you?

1) A mp3 player full of Fleetwood Mac, Billy Joel, and Jackson Browne
2) A copy of my play Late for the Sky
3) The complete Gilmore Girls series

That says everything about my existence right there!

everything comes with a price - Supernatural fanmix [Sunday, Aug. 30/09 - 20:05PM]
[ mood | blah ]

how much can you sacrifice?Collapse )

3 mavericks*wink

sadness or euphoria- a mix [Thursday, Aug. 20/09 - 22:35PM]
[ mood | hot ]

A mix for August.

we are always what our situations hand usCollapse )

4 mavericks*wink

before the day is over... [Thursday, Jul. 30/09 - 23:00PM]
[ mood | good ]

Happy birthday, Delta B!

My world is a better place because of your existence :)

1 mavericks*wink

When I was 10... [Friday, Jun. 12/09 - 23:42PM]
[ mood | excited ]

I became a fan of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

11 years, constant bullying, and even a class trying to get my Pens jersey deemed "unappropriate" to be worn in school- later....THEY HAVE WON THE STANLEY CUP.


To all of the people who made fun of me: SUCK ON IT.
Especially to all those Leaf fans who made my life hell: YOUR TEAM HASN'T WON SINCE PITTSBURGH JOINED THE LEAGUE. GTFO.

To the bandwagon jumpers: Crosby does not= the team.

In a way, I feel like I've won too.

3 mavericks*wink

An open letter to my mother [Monday, May. 25/09 - 19:58PM]
[ mood | angry ]

I figure, mother, that you'll be searching around the internet trying to find another place where I am being "bad".

And if you do manage to find this username, congratulations. You'll also note this name is under a dating site where I am interested in women. Yeah. Try and deny that one.

You tell me that it's not okay to be "out" about being...A CONSERVATIVE.
You threatened me- saying that I could either hand over my electronics (bye bye computer and phone), change my facebook political views, or move out.

I am not allowed, according to you, to show my support for the conservative party in any way.

Is it not enough that I'm in the closet because of your homophobia, I also have to hide my political views too?

WELL. I may have changed my facebook but only because I have nowhere else to go.
I am not going to deny my political affiliation ever.
I am going to keep being who I am regardless of you.

You said people were giving you dirty looks because of me.You know this how? You said you could lose your job...I'm sorry, but aren't liberals supposed to be a little more progressive than that? I could be wrong. I could see how it could hurt you if it was you...But it's me. Your 21 year old daughter.

And I am not sacrificing my beliefs.

7 mavericks*wink

on your canvas- fanmix [Friday, May. 8/09 - 22:37PM]
[ mood | lonely ]

starry starry night...Collapse )

8 mavericks*wink

when our hearts are full- mix [Thursday, Jan. 29/09 - 12:06PM]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I had a little free time, what with school being closed (seriously?) so I quickly put together this mix. The general theme is "life is good" because you know what? It is! And I've been pretty happy lately and I thought this mix would be a good way to celebrate that.

i want to wreck my stockings in some jukebox dive...Collapse )

10 mavericks*wink

time to say goodnight- a mix [Sunday, Jan. 11/09 - 1:02AM]
[ mood | tired ]

Upon some reflection...I found a part of me that was very happy and very lucky about the love I recently had in my life. Yes, that person is no longer a part of my life...But it doesn't mean that they didn't help shape who I am now. And while I sometimes wonder how she dealt with me when I was a mess, but couldn't when I started to fall together...Well, I don't know. It's a little odd. But needless to say, I appreciate that experience and am using it now to gage what I want and what I don't. So it certainly wasn't a waste of time! in a way i'm free...Collapse )

8 mavericks*wink

Never Coming Home Again- mix [Tuesday, Dec. 30/08 - 15:02PM]
[ mood | moody ]

My prompt was the picture (text added by me). I was inspired by something someone once told me that has been repeating in my mind...Well, let's just say it's safe to say that they're "never coming home again"...

there was little we could say, and even less that we could do...Collapse )

4 mavericks*wink

2008- the soundtrack [Sunday, Dec. 28/08 - 10:46AM]
[ mood | refreshed ]

So I made a music mix for my crazy/awesome/depressing/powerful/life-changing 2008.
This year has definitely been one of the best I've experienced. And I can honestly say I am a different/better person now than I was 12 months ago.

I thought of you, and where you'd gone...Collapse )

5 mavericks*wink

necessary and altogether impossible (october '08) [Thursday, Dec. 25/08 - 22:35PM]
[ mood | amused ]

Love is necessary, some people say
The way another person fits in so seamlessly...
You can't remember a time when you didn't know them.

Perhaps they've aways been a part of you
Just waiting for the day when they'd come to the surface
Lingering just far enough way that you can't erase
Or embrace them

This, sadly, makes love altogether impossible.
You need it, you don't. You want it- or won't.

Love breaks your heart, some people say...
This is a lie.

People break hearts- collecting them like stamps or postcards.

When your heart gets broken- beaten to the ground-
How can you forget them? The culprit?

The love makes you remember, reminds you why they're necessary...
And that makes it altogether impossible to forget.

2 mavericks*wink

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