| FRIENDS ONLY |
[Sunday, Nov. 4/12 - 10:00AM] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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**this journal is about 90% friends only.
If you want me to add you back, please comment here. If you just want to stalk my lj for whatever fun that might bring you go ahead;)
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| When I was 10... |
[Friday, Jun. 12/09 - 23:42PM] |
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I became a fan of the Pittsburgh Penguins.
11 years, constant bullying, and even a class trying to get my Pens jersey deemed "unappropriate" to be worn in school- later....THEY HAVE WON THE STANLEY CUP.
MY TEAM HAS WON.
To all of the people who made fun of me: SUCK ON IT.
Especially to all those Leaf fans who made my life hell: YOUR TEAM HASN'T WON SINCE PITTSBURGH JOINED THE LEAGUE. GTFO.
To the bandwagon jumpers: Crosby does not= the team.
GO MALKIN. FLEEEEURRRRRYYYYYYYY
In a way, I feel like I've won too.
THE PITSBURGH PENGUINS ARE THE 2009 STANLEY CUP CHAMPIONS.
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| An open letter to my mother |
[Monday, May. 25/09 - 19:58PM] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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I figure, mother, that you'll be searching around the internet trying to find another place where I am being "bad".
And if you do manage to find this username, congratulations. You'll also note this name is under a dating site where I am interested in women. Yeah. Try and deny that one.
You tell me that it's not okay to be "out" about being...A CONSERVATIVE.
You threatened me- saying that I could either hand over my electronics (bye bye computer and phone), change my facebook political views, or move out.
I am not allowed, according to you, to show my support for the conservative party in any way.
Is it not enough that I'm in the closet because of your homophobia, I also have to hide my political views too?
WELL. I may have changed my facebook but only because I have nowhere else to go.
I am not going to deny my political affiliation ever.
I am going to keep being who I am regardless of you.
You said people were giving you dirty looks because of me.You know this how? You said you could lose your job...I'm sorry, but aren't liberals supposed to be a little more progressive than that? I could be wrong. I could see how it could hurt you if it was you...But it's me. Your 21 year old daughter.
And I am not sacrificing my beliefs.
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| time to say goodnight- a mix |
[Sunday, Jan. 11/09 - 1:02AM] |
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Upon some reflection...I found a part of me that was very happy and very lucky about the love I recently had in my life. Yes, that person is no longer a part of my life...But it doesn't mean that they didn't help shape who I am now. And while I sometimes wonder how she dealt with me when I was a mess, but couldn't when I started to fall together...Well, I don't know. It's a little odd. But needless to say, I appreciate that experience and am using it now to gage what I want and what I don't. So it certainly wasn't a waste of time!
( in a way i'm free... )
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| 2008- the soundtrack |
[Sunday, Dec. 28/08 - 10:46AM] |
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So I made a music mix for my crazy/awesome/depressing/powerful/life-changing 2008.
This year has definitely been one of the best I've experienced. And I can honestly say I am a different/better person now than I was 12 months ago.
( I thought of you, and where you'd gone... )
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| necessary and altogether impossible (october '08) |
[Thursday, Dec. 25/08 - 22:35PM] |
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Love is necessary, some people say
The way another person fits in so seamlessly...
You can't remember a time when you didn't know them.
Perhaps they've aways been a part of you
Just waiting for the day when they'd come to the surface
Lingering just far enough way that you can't erase
Or embrace them
This, sadly, makes love altogether impossible.
You need it, you don't. You want it- or won't.
Love breaks your heart, some people say...
This is a lie.
People break hearts- collecting them like stamps or postcards.
When your heart gets broken- beaten to the ground-
How can you forget them? The culprit?
The love makes you remember, reminds you why they're necessary...
And that makes it altogether impossible to forget.
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[Monday, Dec. 22/08 - 16:39PM] |
The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you
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| I'm in LOVE! (a music mix) |
[Saturday, Nov. 22/08 - 22:09PM] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
] |
Most of my mixes have been on the negative side... But my last one (pretty much the best playlist I have ever made) was a lot more positive. This one? Really optimistic. What can I say...I was inspired ;) But, yeah. Very personal.
( the world will follow after... )
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| this is it, people |
[Friday, Nov. 7/08 - 1:42AM] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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SARAH PALIN in her own words:
http://www.bobandmark.com/
An interview with an Alaskan radio station.
Some interesting things:
-the media bias (Palin wants "objective" coverage)
-she never felt like the campaign was a mistake because of McCain
-wanted to contact reporters/journalists in Alaska (the McCain camp said she was "going rogue")
-ARTICULATION, baby. Palin's got it. (don't judge until you listen)
-one of the McCain staffer's got fired for advocating that Palin should be Palin
-Katie Couric interview? Not Palin's choice.
-SP wants to unite the country (everyone needs to work together)
-says she's not going to appoint herself as Senator(DOES NOT WANT TO BE A HYPOCRITE, YAY)
-"saw the t-shirt"...on 2012
-looking for a scapegoat/throwing someone under the bus
-no rift between McCAIN and PALIN
-"flippin' bizarre" on the things people are saying
-"you lose graciously" "don't be petty, don't be small, don't be bitter"
-the things said? Bullshit. (SP says it better than I could ever transcribe)
"we need you, media, to be fair"
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| I Hope For You Hopelessly- a mix |
[Sunday, Oct. 26/08 - 14:35PM] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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The prompt for this mix was:
I can try and stumble [gracefully] and I will try and grovel tastefully because I'm in love and she's the one I need - "I Fell" Ben Roseberry
( I'll send my heart to you... )
If anyone wants any of the songs uploaded individually, just ask!
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| Pushing Daisies... |
[Wednesday, Oct. 15/08 - 23:37PM] |
This is so true---
Ned: You're the only one for me.
Chuck: I know you feel that way now. But there are things you want, there are things we both want.
Ned: So? Everyone wants stuff. We wake up with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them it doesn't mean we need them to be happy.
Chuck: What do you need to be happy?
Ned: You.
edit- and now for something completely different:  | You preferred McCain's statements 67% of the time You preferred Obama's statements 33% of the time Voting purely on the issues you should vote McCainWho would you vote for if you voted on the issues? Find out now! |
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| and the autumn leaves cut loose and fly |
[Sunday, Oct. 12/08 - 10:54AM] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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Last night I went out.
I don't enjoy it much anymore. I didn't even have one drink. Not one (even though I had a little bit of money). I did sing karaoke though. Got mass love when I sang Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee and later, White Rabbit (this last one, my signature song, even got me random people telling me how awesome I am).
But almost every song that was sung reminded me of people I didn't want to think about...And I wondered- would it always be like this? Can you never escape what your heart holds onto? Is it always going to be there...All of the time? It's one thing if you're with the person...But a completely different thing when you've begun to think that that person is giving up.
A guy hit on me. And Joey told him not to bother. "She's a lesbian," he said, looking me in the eye. "Well, aren't you? I know you claim to be bi...But you're not. It's obvious." And I thought...Wow. I hadn't even considered that as an option. Maybe he's right? Or maybe I'm just confused. I wish that things could work out. I wish the girl would either stop ignoring me or let me know she's letting go. I refuse to keep second guessing my feelings and everyone else's. It really hurts. But I guess if she does keep ignoring me then that's my answer. It's kind of sad how things fall apart...Or how sometimes, despite how I might be feeling, "sometimes to keep it together you've got to leave it alone". I don't know which way to go.
So for now I will stay in my room, with the blankets pulled around my head. I've got Pushing Daisies on DVD, Jackson Browne on MP3, the last remaints of an English assignment...And the view of a perfect autumn day. All colored leaves and bright blue sky. Perhaps the perfect autumn/sunday walk is what I need to find a little faith.
Here are some JB lyrics. They are spectacular-- I never post lyrics for no reason at all. Sample: Living your life day after day
Soon all your plans and changes
Either fail or fade away
Leaving so much still left to say
( Daddy's Tune )
Also, if anyone is interested I have a blog set up...http://deltabean.blogspot.com/
There is only one real entry up right now- and it's political.
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| Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? |
[Saturday, Oct. 11/08 - 19:05PM] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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Martha: Truth and illusion, George. You don't know the difference.
George: No, but we must carry on as though we did.
Martha: Amen.
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| i'll try to do it right this time around |
[Monday, Oct. 6/08 - 1:19AM] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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Who/what am I becoming?
This wasn't what I had planned.
Everything feels like it's coming crashing around my feet.
My parents are one day away from pulling me out of the closet.
And I'm not ready for that because I don't even know where I stand. I don't know what I'd tell them.
I think I'm becoming a Republican.
AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE.
My music is all over the place.
I like the days when I can just wear my mother's sweaters and listen to Anne Murray. I am an old lady.
And I am far too sensitive.
Example: Jay got a stuffed bear out of the claw machine in the mall which she gave to me. It's a wonky bear-- one eye, oddly angled limbs...etc. And I actually started crying when I started thinking about the bear. If someone else had gotten it, they would've thrown it out or something because it was damaged. But me? I will love that stuffed toy like it's a real thing. I guess I've always felt like that bear and all those other things I've gotten that have things wrong... I'm damaged and poorly constructed... Are people going to continue to throw me away because I'm flawed?
I am a mess.
*sigh*
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| saturdays, Tina Fey glasses, and failure |
[Sunday, Oct. 5/08 - 1:59AM] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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I spent the majority of the day with the girl. Jay. THE EX.
We hung out and it was all fine and dandy..Nothing out of the ordinary. Some touchy feely crap at first...Nothing ridiculous. I bought Tina Fey glasses (because, yeah. necessary). And decided to wear them a little while later.
The girl: "...Okay, I just have to say this-- with the glasses? You are so fucking adorable."
And she called me cute many, many times.
And I felt all warm and good inside.
And we talked about being in love with each other...But never really said it. (I did later, on MSN... but I said it first. and why can't there be another 'I love you' without me having to say it first? it feels like I'm prying)
We had moments where we sat with our fingertips touching and an obvious attraction...
And she tells me how she's all possessive and protective..
But then..."but this isn't a relationship"
And everytime I mentioned wanting to get back together she'd laugh it off.
W T F.
It's either gonna happen or it's not.
And if it's not, you cannot be jealous and weird about me being with other people. That's not fair.
After hanging out for like 6 hours today..>We talked on the phone for like 3. Why is she the only person to completely understand me? Why is she the only one I can stand being around for long periods of time? Why are we so similar? Why do I want to be so romantic and everything with her? Especially when she doesn't want to be? GRRRRR.
Goddamn it.
I am not waiting another 5 years for things to turn around. Again.
Fuck.
I'm going to have to let go, aren't I?
I wish this was my decision to make.
(also, karaoke contest failure. suprise)
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